You are lovable
Week 12: Winter Abernathy - 2 March 2022 [9:15am]
I’ve been in somewhat of a somber mood the past few weeks and these thoughts are a by-product.
With that preface, I’ve been thinking about how, from my experience at least, children are conditioned from a young age to only receive love in two ways, familial and romantic. Beyond that, platonic love is almost demonized; opposite sex friendships(because society’s heteronormative) are constantly jeered because at least one of you have to be in love with the other, physical touch is deemed sexual and strictly romantic. For people like me whose love languages are quality time and physical touch, it is hard to ever feel loved and it’s even harder to acknowledge that need. It is terrifying to ask for a hug or to spend time with someone because of the ingrained sentiment that those things are inherently romantic. It is terrifying to feel like the only chance you have at being loved is a romantic relationship.
This system of social conditioning also paves the way for unhealthy relationships because, as with everything, people take advantage of it. By conditioning children to believe love is romantic and romantic alone, you create a generation of vulnerable people who just crave connection and who are told that connection can only come from love. So they latch onto the first person who will offer them that bare minimum and below, and then they’re stuck. The pressure on young people to “find love” and “be loved” is damaging, it teaches people that if they cannot find a romantic partner, they are unlovable and that’s just not true.
I have friends who love me. It took me years to get to this place where my friend can tell me they love me and I can believe them. Not only do I believe them, I can say it back. I spent years of my life loving silently, every time I attempted to verbalize “I love you” the words would die in my throat, a suffocating reminder that love was not allowed to be platonic. But it is, some of the greatest loves of my life are friends, people who’ve supported and loved me. I am lovable and that’s a powerful thing to learn as a young person, You are lovable.
Image: @dey on pinterest
Hey Winter! I certainly see what you are talking about and am not a great fan of heternormative cultures effect on opposite sex friendships. I feel it strongly since the majority of my classes are mostly girls and as a consequence, I do have a generally higher number of female friends than male ones. It sometimes hurts that I am unable to give them a hug like I would give a male friend because of how my surroundings would perceive it. It is also extremely painful to see so many nice, good people constantly searching for love where they could get what they needed from their friends, but are unable to ask because in their mind it is only suitable to ask that of a lover. As a result it is heartening to see that you have realized the value of understanding a type of love inherent in friendship, that many people are blind to, or simply don’t think exists.
ReplyDeleteHey Winter! The concept of platonic love, as you said, is extremely rare and shunned almost. I remember losing countless friends, who were formerly neighbors and classmates, to this heavily stigmatized form of love. I personally feel like the definition of love can be somewhat lost when categorized between familial and romantic concepts of love. Love is just a matter of perception and it's important to understand and embrace that. Weirdly enough, my friends still find it weird to say “I love you” to each other, and while I definitely believe that my friends do love me in their own ways, I understand why they seem very hesitant to say it aloud because of the social stigmatized perception of it today. I’m glad you’ve been able to find that safe space amongst your friends and I hope to achieve that level of transparency with my friends as well. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHey Winter, the definition of love has truly been isolated into mere familial or romantic. It honestly is sad, to see at this age, that you simply cannot deeply care about another person in a platonic method. If they are someone near your age, it is speculated to be romantic love and you are instantly placed in an awkward situation. Because so, sometimes opposite sex friendships are nearly broken apart because of this fear of being observed to be romantic involved. This really is limiting to our social explorations, as almost half of our society is limited and separated from us.
ReplyDeleteHi Winter! The last words were really touching, and they're something that everyone needs to hear. It is really sad to think that our society can't let relationships between the opposite sexes be simply platonic, as it is simply ingrained into our culture. Love can exist in any type of relationship, whether platonic or romantic. We've swept aside the words "I love you" for family members and romantic partners, and saying them to our friends is seen as strange and felt by many people to be awkward. It is really sad that we set certain boundaries that our friendships are restrained to, as they can be some of the most valuable relationships we form in our lifetimes. We should be able to freely express affection within our friendships (if both people are comfortable, of course) and feel love without any romantic implications. I really love that you've found a support system of friends whom you can be free around and recognize that they love you. These types of friendships are generally the strongest bonds.
ReplyDeleteHi Winter, this blog post definitely highlighted a unique and not talked enough topic. I can absolutely understand and relate to what you are saying in this blog post. In school I don't really have any guy friends because, I partially think, because of this idea that I only need to like them romantically to be friends or talk to them and the other part is just my fear of judgment. When I was young, I had many male family friends but as as we grew up we have grown apart and barely talk to each other because of this weird social idea that opposite sexes cannot be friends. Hopefully this idea will change and platonic relationships will be a normal thing.
ReplyDeleteHi Winter, I'm glad you brought up this topic, especially how opposite-sex friendships are assumed to be romantic in society. In elementary and middle school, I would avoid even trying to make friends with guys because everyone, including myself, would link it to some sort of romantic interest. However, as I reached high school, I was able to realize that I can have purely platonic friendships with guys and that there is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, I even appreciate these friendships because I am able to see things from another perspective. Some of my closest friends right now are guys, and I'm thankful that I was able to meet these people and develop relationships with them. I'm glad I was able to overcome this barrier, and I hope that society will eventually be able to as well.
ReplyDeleteHi Winter! I definitely believe that platonic love should become more normalized and taught to more children. I agree that the word love is most often interpreted in a romantic way and this is a huge problem. I think love should simply be interpreted as a connection between two people (or animals) and the phrase “I love you” should be more directly translated to “I care and appreciate you.” This way, love can take on a more platonic meaning and can be shared in many different ways. One thing I struggle with is expressing my love to my family and friends due to the fear of sounding cringy. This is something that I am trying to work on as I strive to communicate my care and appreciation for those that are close to me. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHey Winter, this notion that love can only be interpreted in a familial and romantic way is one that I definitely one I see occur often. In my childhood, this was always reinforced by the environment I was in whether it be from my friends and classmates or my family. However, I feel like while this thinking is still prevalent, it is diminishing as I grew older, especially since I later on started realizing it is totally fine to have these platonic relationships with guys. Thinking about this, I am glad you brought this topic up because it is something more people should be aware of. It is sad that this narrative exists; we can never really truly express how much we love and appreciate one another without the situation turning awkward. Hopefully, things can be different in the future. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Winter, I found your post very relatable since there have been many instances where some of my friends assumed I liked or was secretly dating a friend of the opposite gender solely because they saw me talking to them. Even though this makes me extremely uncomfortable, I often laugh it off and clarify that I am only friends with them. I hope that in the future, people will be more accepting of others expressing their love for their friends without being romantically involved with them.
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