Yunshan Li [Week 15]: What I Learned From a Childhood Memory
Week 15: What I Learned From a Childhood Memory – 4/27 - [5:06PM].
I remember many vivid instances in my young life where I have felt completely overwhelmed with doubt like I was swallowed alive by the overpowering fear that I will never be able to escape the obstacle standing in front of me. In those moments I feel so insignificant, so helpless, and so powerless. Yet, despite how impossible those challenges seemed, I managed to overcome them every time. I frequently look back upon those moments and cringe over how small those problems that made me spiral into a never-ending tunnel of darkness actually were in hindsight.
My most prominent memory of feeling absolutely doomed occurred when my mom signed me up for a band audition. For context, I was in the 7th grade back then, and I picked up flute about a year before. I cried when I first found out about the audition a week prior to the audition date. I felt angry and terrified. I was enraged that my mom never thought to consult me before making this decision, a decision that sent a fast car headed straight in my direction. But above all, I was petrified. I knew perfectly well that I was not good enough at flute to play in a formal band since all my band mates were much better than I was. Scenarios of bad outcomes flooded my head. Pictures of unimpressed judges, a disappointed director, and judgmental friends were all I could see. For hours, I pleaded with my mom to cancel the audition, but she told me to just give it a try as she already paid the expensive audition fee.
As the audition day approached, I practiced my instrument nonstop as it was the only remedy to my ever-growing anxiety. When the audience day arrived, I stayed home. Despite my endless efforts, I did not go. I did not feel ready. I did not think I was good enough. Back then it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders; today, this is a decision that I deeply regret.
In retrospect, I can see how irrational I was and that a ridiculous amount of tears was shed. My family and friends wouldn’t abandon me just because I didn't make the band. Back then my vision was all blurred, I was hyper-focused on failing and embarrassing myself. Now that my vision has cleared, I finally realized the audition led to more than one destination: I wasn't destined to fail as all my practice gave me a chance of success.
This memory taught me a very important life lesson: always look beyond an obstacle because a challenge that seems like a big boulder right ahead could be a tiny rock once you overcome it. I had this story in mind as I tried out for the water polo team this summer. I never played water polo before, but I gave it my best shot and made the team!
Image: https://www.inc.com/thomas-koulopoulos/why-you-need-to-hit-rock-bottom-in-order-to-succee.html
Hey Yunshan! Feeling overwhelmed is something that all of us as AP students always feel, I think. My chosen way out of this is to simply remember that whatever happens, tomorrow comes. I am sorry for what your mother did though, that is rather unreasonable. Regret is also something that I feel is easy to have in retrospect, since you can never truly tell whether the future would be better or worse depending on how you acted. But the fear of embarrassment is real and I’m glad you got past it!
ReplyDeleteHi Sophia, although this particular story has not happened to me before, I am able to relate very well to what you were feeling at the time. Even now (especially now, actually), I often get caught up in so much anxiety fearing the worst possible outcomes and worrying about it. After it is done though, I look back on it and it was not even close to the huge deal I made about it. I am learning though not to overthink something, and that I should stop worrying as much. Worrying doesn't benefit anything, and 9 times out of 10 the thing is not nearly as bad as you make it seem. I'm trying to go about my life in a more carefree manner, just tackling anything that comes my way without fearing too much of the outcome.
ReplyDeleteHey Yunshan! Feelings of regret and guilt are powerful teachers and can allow us to learn from our past. These emotions don’t just disappear and we feel them every time the memory of that specific event resurfaces. They are constant reminders of our mistakes, ones we should never forget. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteYunshan, what a motivational post to read. These kinds of thoughts have been occurring inside of my head too, recently. As AP test season starts and junior year comes to a close, the impending college application season and college acceptance season has made me question my value. I have these thoughts that if I do not get into a good college will my family still love me, if I get bad grades on my AP tests will I fail in life, and so on. This post reminds me that I should not tie my value to a grade or college because if my family and friends truly loved me they would treat me differently based on my grades or college acceptance. Thank you for writing this post and reminding myself of my value.
ReplyDeleteHey Sophia, I’m glad to hear you were able to learn from the past and made it into the water polo team. There are times I always expect the worst, often being overwhelmed by anxiety at the moment, similar to how you felt with the band audition, but the feeling of regret that I get later on for missing the opportunity ends up being a worse feeling than that anxiety I felt at the moment. Now I always strive to go by this saying I came across on the internet, which I found was a good way to alleviate unnecessary stress and anxiety: better to try and fail than never to try at all. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Sophia! I can definitely relate to how you felt. I have a lot of regrets now because of how I was in the past, as I would hesitate and often miss out on opportunities because I was afraid of trying or just thought I couldn't do them. It's really great that you were able to learn from your past experiences and move forward. Congratulations on making the water polo team! It is definitely true that things may look daunting when we're first faced with them, but we have to tell ourselves that we'll look back at these moments and realize they weren't bad at all.
ReplyDeleteHi Sophia, I believe the experience you faced is something everyone does as well because it is almost always terrifying to try or do something new that you were forced into. I think it would have been easier for you if your mom had told you ahead of time and convinced you to go that way, but, I’m glad the experience still taught you an important lesson. I faced a similar situation when I first joined the swim team this year. Because I did not have any friends on the team, I thought I would be lonely and be one of the slowest swimmers. But, I wasn’t and it turns out two of the friends I made are also in our English class!
ReplyDeleteHey Sophia, your mother signing you up for auditions you never agreed to in the first place definitely raises some memories within me as well. I remember being somehow coerced into joining the elementary band my fifth grade, and somehow being coerced into playing the violin for the band although I already was playing piano. I, however, do not remember how I joined the band in the first place; I simply remember the happiness I felt in being able to leave class early to attend band practice. These memories, although horrifyingly boring and monotonous in their respective presents, turns out to be truly interesting experiences that one will look back to in the future with satisfaction.
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