Week #16 - Failing - Amratha Rao
Amratha Rao
Week #16
Failing
As high school students in competitive classes, we’re often very precarious about admitting any vulnerabilities, especially with college applications around the corner. We’re always trying to one up each other, be secretive about any summer programs or any opportunities we get. Or, we might flaunt whatever we’ve got to outshine our misgivings. Like most, I entered junior year with that attitude, too proud and too competitive. However, as the year went by, it soon became clear that junior year was doing an incredible job beating me up, maybe a little too much.
I lost a lot in junior year, mainly my mental health, my physical health, and my sleep, but many other things as well. I was cheated out of a president position in a club I worked for years promoting and building due to personal grudges and “politics”. I narrowly missed qualifying for NCS in badminton because of one stupid point and some stubborn Mission kids (maybe it wasn't completely their fault). My Unit 6 test in Calculus was beyond humbling, and with only one day of studying for the AP Physics 1 exam, I’ve never guessed so much in my entire life.
Now I understand that what I’m saying may sound a bit pretentious, but it all mattered to me. My parent’s disapproval, lost opportunities, sinking grades, lost points, they all come and haunt me at night or whenever I close my eyes and try to think. I’m overwhelmed by the possibilities that these same things may happen again, and the anxiety is real. With all the stress, my acne has blossomed, making my worries become worse. Sometimes it feels like there’s no end to this torture which is becoming seemingly endless, despite the school year coming to end.
Worry not, I have a point (I think). I haven’t realized it yet, and I think it may take a while, but I’m pretty sure things will turn out okay-for all of us. My depressing junior year will most likely become just an insignificant year in my life. I know we all have these failures, be it worse or maybe smaller but they all matter to us, plaguing our minds with infinite what ifs. Then again, we can only fail so much, so there’s always hope? I’m not sure if any of this is true, but this is what all the adults in my life have told me and I’m sure all the adults in your life have said as well, but we’ll never know until we get to the other side. What I mean to say is, good luck guys. Life isn't always going to be a nice positive linear progression, it's more like a sinusoidal curve, full of ups and downs. See you on the other side.
Image Credits: https://www.istockphoto.com/illustrations/hurdle-fail
Hi Amratha! I completely agree with everything you mentioned. It feels as if we are all competing with each other, and I often find that I tend to compare myself not just with my peers and classmates but also with my friends, wishing I could do better. I know junior year has been very tough on us, and we're all working hard. Even though we'll still be pretty busy over the summer, I truly hope that all of us will be able to get the rest we deserve and focus on our mental health, physical health, and dysfunctional (or nonexistent) sleep schedules. Even despite all of your hardships, your outlook on life is really great. Things do seem hard now, but they will surely become much less significant to us in the future than they currently are, even if we can't see this now.
ReplyDeleteHello Amratha! Personally I never really understood the competitiveness here. I haven't lived in the bay area all my life and so the sheer competition and the things that kids did was genuinely shocking to me. Especially since personally I never had any particular ambition to go to some top tier school. So when junior year came, my mindset really came in useful since a bad grade was just something to shrug off and learn from and laugh at. I find that my mindset genuinely helps in the end even though I might succeed less, because in the end my mental health is more stable.
ReplyDeleteAmratha, I couldn't agree more with everything that you have said in this blog post. I definitely think we are competing with each other as much as I try to avoid it. It is the truth. I am always so nervous to tell my friends when I accomplish something, scared that I am coming off as pretentious. When I go into an organization, I remember my parents telling me not to tell people and keep it to myself; that ideology has definitely influenced me. Especially in the Bay Area, many people refer to us as a bubble because of how competitive it is here. Hopefully, students will try to uplift each other rather than compete with each other; however, I do not think that is going to happen anytime soon.
ReplyDeleteHi Amratha, everything about this post was so relatable, especially since we basically have the same schedule and you procrastinate like I do! I feel the competitiveness so much in our school, and I always find myself comparing what I'm doing to others, feeling like they are doing so much more than me. I know it's hard to tell yourself sometimes, but it's so important to keep in mind that the things that other people are doing that you know of are the best things they are doing, and you often don't know about the struggles they are facing as well. It's also easy to sort of combine everyone's accomplishments and compare yourself to that, and it's really taxing to my mental health always feeling like I'm not doing enough.
ReplyDeleteHi Amratha! I definitely agree with you that high school is a very busy and stressful time. There were so many unexpected things and uncontrollable moments that I had to learn to navigate through. There were hard times when I studied extra hard for a test and still did badly on it due to the sheer panic under the pressure. Nevertheless, I am proud of myself for not giving up because there were times when I seriously considered doing so. However, despite all the hardships I suffered this year, I think I will look back on it fou=ndly. In the midst of tests and essays, I still had so much fun hanging out with my friends and working on projects together. I am actually looking forward to senior year. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHey Amratha, this competitive environment that we are constantly in is very damaging. I constantly find myself thinking I am never doing enough because I know there is always someone better out there. Every time I achieve an accomplishment, I unconsciously downplay it and compare myself to others, so I am often in an unhealthy state of mind. It is sad how we have to be in this kind of environment. However, hopefully I can be in a better state of mind next year and stop comparing myself to others as much. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Amratha, I’m sorry to hear that you have faced many losses this year, however, I know that your hard work will pay off in the future even though you made some mistakes along the way and feel that things could be better if you tried a little harder. In the end, it matters that you gained experience and knowledge from your past mistakes. I hope next year you won’t be as stressed as you were this year. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHey Amratha, this post has really confirmed the fears that I have hidden deep inside me ever since I stepped foot into high school. To put it simply, the fear was of just failure. I was afraid of failing, afraid of bringing bad news home, afraid of being a disappointment to my parents. And I guess in a way, this fear was what motivated me to work constantly through these years (probably not the best motivation). And at such a close point to college applications, this sense of fear has never been higher. I honestly do not want to find out if all this fear will be worth it in the end.
ReplyDelete